Vampires Suck opened with 12 million dollars second place this weekend in America and the buzz is going strong, many people here want to see this movie, longing for a parody that rips apart Twilight. This article is here to warn you, why you MUST NOT see Vampires Suck.
392 616 625
709 826 790
614 600 000
What do those three numbers have in common?
They are the boxofficenumbers of the first three Twilight parts (number 3 sadly still counting). So the Twilight Saga has already garnered 1.7 BILLION dollars and the greed is all over the place.
The fourth Twilight, while not even having enough story to fill a 1 hour long movie, will be stretched over two parts and of course it will be in 3d because people love to pay extra money while watching movies.
But there is another form of greed, a very sneaky one, the false friend that wants to steal your money without us noticing it in time – this false friend is called “Vampires Suck”.
This is the new movie by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer and I didn’t think this movie was worth bothering, but since not everyone is a movie nerd like me, precautions need to be taken. Vampires Suck has to be stopped before more people falsely assume that this might be a funny movie, so let’s get the facts straight.
Who the hell are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer?
Outside of hardcore movie nerds – an ancient place known as real world – those two movies don’t ring a bell, but within the movie community those two names represent everything that is wrong with cheap entertainment (yes even more wrong than Twilight itself).
Their filmography is a hall of shame to movies as an artform:
Scary Movie (278 million $)
Date Movie (84 million $)
Epic Movie (86 million $)
Meet the Spartans (84 million $)
Disaster Movie (34 million $)
The “best” of their movies (Scary Movie) was not directed by them, but written and they were only co-authors to Scary movie, so their actual movies boil down to 4 disasters, many people thankfully haven’t heard of. After Disaster Movie thankfully underperformed at the boxoffice, it seemed like those two guys were finally starting to lose their jobs.
But manipulative as they are they have now sniffed the opportunity to come back with jokes that are not remotely funny.
Yes, Twilight is a mediocre to bad movie
Yes, too many of us have had to endure those movies
Yes, most of those who had to endure it were forbidden to complain because it decreased their chances of getting laid after the movie ended
Yes, most of us hate the hell out of Twilight
But this is where we have to stop!
Vampires Suck is a movie designed to prey on this hatred, prey on the hatred of men around the globe and suck out our money like a (real) vampire sucks blood.
Trust me, I want to see the Twilight-“saga” (man why does saga now have such a bad aftertaste) end as soon as possible and I won’t skip a chance for a Twilight joke, but here’s the point: These movies are not comedies!
Then give the reasons why this movies is bad?
What is a spoof? A spoof is a way to parody, mock, make fun of or make a statement about a subject. One of the best spoof movies around is probably Airplane! which makes fun of plane disaster-movies and a junkload of other things. The key things that makes Airplane! a great comedy is the fact that it doesn’t solely rely on the material it is spoofing. The jokes are witty, there is a lot of playing with words, even if you have not seen the original movie the situation itself is funny and well written and if you have seen the actual movie the joke is twice as funny.
The “jokes” 1/3: making fun of Twilight
Just take a look at the trailer for Vampires Suck, what are the jokes?
How are they making fun of Twilight? The Vampire sees Bella turn into a hamburger, wow clever, because he’s hungry. That’s not actually a joke, it’s common knowledge that vampires feed on human blood, so blood is his the equivalent of a hamburger.
Then Edward smashes Bella against the wall, just like he does in the original movie.
The difference: It was funny in the original because it was not intended. It just looks laughably bad when Kristen Stewart gets slammed around and it is a joke you make with your friends while watching Twilight, nothing that needs a new parody.
This leads to the next point: the spoofs in this trailer are just the complaints a regular (sane) audience has with Twilight. Basically this “spoof” is just recording what drunk people say during a Twilight triple feature and then repeat it and charge money for that.
But the worst thing about every Friedberg and Seltzer movies remains:
The “jokes” 2/3: Pop-culture references for the sake of references
So we see Alice in Wonderland running around, then getting shot.
Why? Because that’s what’s popular right now!
There is nothing funny about those scenes, they are just there so that the teenage audience can yell “Hey I know that!”
They are not making fun of those movies, they can’t. Alice came out in March, so a regular movie production (you know, those movies that need production time because they have an actual script) can’t make a statement on the actual Tim Burton movie – and neither can Vampires Suck. They just watched the trailer, then dressed an actress like Alice and then made a joke that has nothing to do with either Alice or Twilight.
Bella wants to know who that (Edward) is, but instead her friend lists up the cast of the Jersey Shore. Why? Because! Yeah, that’s it.
You know what? I’m gonna make a Vampires Suck joke, right now:
IRON MAN 2!
And here’s another one:
That’s about as funny as those Vampires Suck jokes, they rely on us being entertained by seeing things that we know from MTV.
Oh wait a minute I have another burner:
LADY GAGA… wait… that’s actually a “joke” in the trailer, brilliant.
The “jokes” 3/3: mocking Twi-hards
One thing is for sure: dumb movies are made worse by dumber fans.
And if there’s one thing we hate more than Twilight, it is the rabid annoying fanbase, also known as “Twi-hards”. So maybe this movie at least makes fun of them?
“Edward, you’re the best” “No Jacob is the best” SLAM!
Wow that’s the joke? That’s not making fun of Twi-hards stupidity and they chose to go with “Edward vs Jacob” this is more flattering to the Twilight fans than mocking them, so great, the guys who want to see Twi-hards and Twilight getting shredded to pieces are treated to a movie that more or less states what is popular about Twilight, eventually this movie just plays into the hands of Twilight fans and we were robbed again.
So, please, for the love of god, I understand your hatred against Twilight, but don’t fall for this cheap money scheme made by two talentless hacks who should be banned from any theatre. Of course everything written or said against this movie is another way of raising awareness for this movie, but since so many people I know have already told me that they want to see this movie because they want to see a Twilight parody, there needs to be some clearance.
Remember, whenever you hear someone uttering the thought of maybe seeing this movie: STOP THEM, tell them the arguments, tell them why this movie won’t be funny and watch a good movie instead where you don’t feel like you just had to sit through Meet the Spartans again.
P.S.: the reception of Vampires Suck just to empathize that this movie WON’T BE GOOD
Spill.com: F**k you (a rating they introduced after Disaster Movie was just bad beyond belief)
Boxofficemojo.com: 63.9% of all grades are F’s
The battle against heartless moviemaking has begun!